Resolving distfiles.gentoo.org... 156.56.247.195, 140.211.166.134, 64.50.238.52, ... Connecting to distfiles.gentoo.org|156.56.247.195|:21... halcyon@phoenix ~ $ host 156.56.247.195 195.247.56.156.in-addr.arpa domain name pointer gentoo.ussg.indiana.edu. It is accessible via http, but not ftp, which is apparently what portage keeps trying to fetch from for it.
Problem solved, I'm an idiot. I shouldn't have been using ftp with distfiles.g.o to begin with.